Friday, May 29, 2009

I rode my bicicle past your window last night...

Let me make perfectly clear to you my opinion on bicycles.

They're wonderful! What a clever invention! Except that some idiot had to go and invent the car. That spells imminent doom for some fraction of the bicycle riding population.

And then there's this: I live in a desert. Won't tell you which one, but there's sun, sand and cactus galore.

You think riding into a palm tree hurts? At least palm trees don't have spines. And once you actually hit the tree, you can pick yourself up and try again. Not so with cactus. With the cactus you're stuck till someone decides to brave the spines and untangle you.

And then there's that sun. In the summer it can get up to and even well over 110 degrees during the day. Oh it burns. Oh you sweat. Oh I hope you aren't going to school or work or anywhere else practical, because if you are you may have to tote a fresh change of clothes and some deodorant along with your briefcase or backpack.

And good luck with your hair. What nutcase invented bike helmets? Are those pathetic little slots supposed to keep your head cool and your hair dry? Because if so, EPIC FAIL!!!! And there is NO chicken for you.

Now then, have I explained for you the nasty and unpleasant bit about bicycles? Are you satisfied in knowing that I hate them? Because you would be wrong.

I have a sweet retro ladies street bike with shiny butterfly handles and a glistening red paint job. I have several conditions about riding it, however.

First of all, I mustn't plan on going anywhere. A bicycle is for fun and recreation ONLY! No practical uses!

However, I may violate that first one there if anyone goes about inventing a bicycle helmet that doesn't plaster your hair to your head with sweat. I could stand to tote clothes and deodorant, but I'm not bringing a collapsable shower to wash my hair in too. That's where I draw the line. There must be ventilated bike helmets!

Second, which may be ignored if the above clause is put into action, I hate helmets. Like I said, sweat. Gross. I will not wear a helmet whist riding a bicycle. Not until they invent a decent helmet.

Third and most important is this: I like to ride my bike at night and on rainy or overcast days. There's no better day or time to wander about on your be-wheeled beast of burden than at night, when the smells of evening like orange blossoms and summer barbecues permeate the air. Nor is there a better time than when you can smell the mud of the coming rain and the air is clean for once.

How perfect a time it can be, to fly over the streets and past the trees, and to let your mind wander as widely and freely as you can.

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