Saturday, December 12, 2009

Sense and sensibility

Oh how I want. I want as I have never wanted before.

In the past what I wanted was always either beyond my reach, or something that I shouldn't have that wouldn't go to awry if I had it anyway. Now is different.

Something I want more than I can understand is in my reach. All I need do is ask for it. Also it's one of those things that I shouldn't have. But if I take it anyway, I will have violated my principles. It's not a simple want, like I want to eat pizza, and then I eat too much, but eh. I'll live. I'll take a jog and be done with it.

This time my world has changed shape solely on the desire of something that I can but shouldn't have. I want. To have, to hold, to care for. I need. But no. That's a feeling. In truth, this might destroy me.

Before me have many friends fallen to the same temptation.

I want to fail. I want to unsuccessfully attempt to abstain from this desire. So each action, no matter which way it goes, comes with regret. I don't call. This is right. I shouldn't prolong it. And so I do not call and am so unhappy because of it.

I shouldn't reply. But I'm so happy to see it that I reply anyway. I'm so excited! And guilty.

I thought feelings meant something. I don't know if they do now.

I believed in love. Love lifts us up, gives us hope! Love is the greatest and most powerful thing in this world! If it is love then it MUST be right! So I thought. Am I wrong?

What if I fell in love with what was obviously wrong? Does the love that is there redeem the wrongness? I feel like it should. It is because of love that we do right, isn't it?

A man who loves his friend might go back for him in the heat of battle. Lovers put aside the differences of two different worlds, all for love. But should they have restrained themselves in the first place, not allowed themselves to fall? Was it wrong? And does it stay wrong? A horrible stain on their souls for all eternity? Or does the love wash that away?

What is this supposed redeeming power of love?

But that's not what I'm worried about, yet. What I do worry about are the opposing persons within me. My Feelings have risen up to battle my Reason for control of my actions. I hope my Feelings win, but know that my Reason should prevail.

It's like in that terrible movie, War, where the guy you were rooting for the WHOLE MOVIE turned out to be the bad guy.

Either way, I lose. If I fall, I will regret not having the strength to resist. If I resist, I will regret never knowing what could have been, or whether it would have been one of the greatest stories of all time.

All is loss. And all is victory. So either victory is tainted by the bitterness of loss.