Thursday, April 2, 2009

To sleep, to dream, to do nothing

Failure.

The term that any one human heart might hate most in all of this world. I suppose it's defined as trying and not succeeding. But I have a fear that it is worse than that. Much worse.

I fear that failure is when you don't do something that you can do and want to do. When you tried your best, you can hardly call it failing. You tried. You gave it all you had. But when you are completely capable of doing something, and you don't, now that's failure.

The fat man that claims he tries and still stuffs his face.

The would be author that excuses her lack of hard work for a lack of inspiration.

The student who just didn't feel like doing her homework.

How many more of those stupid little phrases can you come up with that apply to yourself? I should make a list of all mine. Except... Well, what for? Does it seem to you, as it seems to me, that it makes no difference that we admit to these? We still continue to fail.

You have failed to do what matters. And the worst part is, it's always something that we want. I want to finish my books. He wants to be an accomplished artist. She wants to be skinny.

How do we bear to be seen in public when we have failed to do the simple things that would give us personal satisfaction?

I hate it. I so hate it. And I fear it. There is nothing more terrifying.

There were five great fears in the world, for me, before I feared failure, and they are listed thus:
  • One was my irrational fear of roaches.
  • Another the only natural fear of the dark, paired with an imagination like my own, which always made for me terrors in the night.
  • A third was the obligatory fear of fear itself (for I often frighten myself with my own imaginings and dreamings of fearful things).
  • A fourth and rather ridiculous fear was that of zombies. Suffice to say I watched a scary movie.
  • A fifth was the absolutely not ridiculous at all fear of The Thing. You know, that eerie alien that kills somebody and then takes their shape, just until it infects its next victim? I was far too young to see that movie when I did.

But my horrible new fear blows all the other ones away.

I fear failure by inaction. Why won't I do something!?





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4 comments:

ScholarLee said...

Hmmm....You are beginning to fascinate me. I too, have faced many fears, but the fear of fear itself still rings true. I might add that "conquering" a fear is merely confronting one aspect of that fear, and that other fears are born of that very conquest. You have, however, inspired me this morning, to get off the blogs, and get to work. Kudos for that.

david mcmahon said...

Thanks for the shout-out.

This is a thought-provoking post, because there are so many aspects to and reasons for fear.

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

Well-said. I faced the failure of doing nothing recently and as a result, I have ended a long-time marriage.

It's too soon to say whether that was a good plan or not.

Anna Lefler said...

Okay, the fifth fear sounds a lot like a guy I dated right after college.

He had a beard, right? Yep, that's the one.

Your instincts are right - run like hell.

;^) Anna