Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Hunks of awesome awkward: A life story

Life is awkward. Which can honestly be great fun.

I don't hate being awkward. Yes, it makes meeting new people hard. Also yes, it makes alienating people that I dislike very, very easy.

It's like some kind of crazy super power! You don't understand. Keep overbearing, annoying salespeople from talking to you!

Those people from the mall kiosks that follow you around and ask you questions about your hair, teeth, skin and feet? They can be kept at bay solely via bad social skills!

Of course sometimes you will get nabbed, and will be obligated to slip away with multiple petty lies and obviously unfelt apologies. That's a different form of awkward, one of the kinds I'm less at peace with.

Everybody knows the random not-applicable-answer awkward moments. If you've ever bought or sold at a grocery store, you know what I mean.

"Yeah, you too!"

"Have a nice day!"
"Not bad, how about you?"

These are very entertaining. Just keep the ball rolling and they'll do their best to pretend it didn't happen. Also, enjoy.

Dress oddly. Or boldly. Pick your adjective, either works.

Really conservative people HATE it. Eventually they will have to talk to you, and when they do you're sure to get a nasty stare, shrewdly judging your carefully crafted ensemble. It's ironic that grown men and women are no better than school children in this respect.

My favorite of these actually looked me up and down, asked me if I worked "here" (yes I dress oddly at work), and did a double take when I said I did. I suppose some people might have been offended, but I found it hilarious.

These are great fun. Grow a fetish for odd straps or outlandish hats. You'll like the results. Either you'll find it funny, or you'll have a great rude customer story by the end the day!

(this works even better in churches!)

Alright. My favorite of all favorite awkward situations would be the awkward date goodbye. (I am THE awkward date. See: The Last Stand) This one is fairly new. Two people with no ability to say goodbye have come to that point in the conversation.

You've regressed to small talk, and clearly are getting ready to head your separate ways. But neither seems to know where to draw the line and end it. I never had a talent for saying goodbye, I just tend to wait until my victim makes a run for it. It doesn't quite work this way when neither person knows how to go about it.

So, whilst still talking, begin to back away from each other, casually, slowly. It's like you're being sneaky or something. Circle each other, looking for an unguarded moment to make a break for it!

Once you finally get far enough away from each other that casual conversation voices are no longer prudent, shout a quick goodbye or wave awkwardly before dashing back to the safety of your various modes of transportation.

I suppose that could be considered unpleasant, if you're not a connoisseur of the awkward. People hate awkward. Most consider a date good if there were no awkward pauses. I think a new take is in order.

Look at your awkward moments in a new and amusing light! Awkward is just too much fun for you to suffer through it. Enjoy it! Life is awkward. Life is interesting!


Oh man. If you're too lazy to actually cook it, you can just read the recipe. It's like food porn. Just thinking about this uber delicious brickle recipe gives me shudders of delight. (but seriously. Make some. And make ME some. MMmmmmmm.)

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